Tacos and Revelations

From the moment I met my host mom and the rest of my host community I have been showered with Nam Jai. My host brother Check gave me his bedroom and cooked my first meal (and many more). My mom spent the first few weeks cooking a variety of dishes until we found out what I enjoy eating; western style salad, which she buys for me several times a week. My neighbors invited me on a bpaiitiao (trip) to the city and insisted on purchasing everything on the way. The eight-year-old neighbor girl spends her own money buying me candy and snacks.

Western Style Salad, called Salad Pac in Thai
Lettuce, cabbage, corn, shredded carrots, beans, oats, and hard boiled eggs.

Nam Jai, which literally means water of the heart, is an important concept in Thai culture. A person expressing their Nam Jai happily extends hospitality to strangers, makes sacrifices for their friends, and gives generously without expectations of a return. This is a difficult concept for me, as I'm sure my sisters can attest, I don't like to share.

Side Note: Andrea, I paid for that UWEC sweater from the book store. It was full price. It's my favorite sweater. It better be in my closet in mint condition when I return home.

But I find Nam Jai is such a beautiful concept. It is love in action. It builds friendships and human connection. In a place on the other side of the world from home, where I am an ethnic minority, and can barely speak the language, it has made me feel like I belong. I want to return the Nam Jai; I want to give of myself to the people here who have shown me incredible kindness and made me feel a part of the community. I wash the dishes after every meal and purchase snacks in the market to share with the family, but these actions seem so small. Especially as Pre Service Training (PST) comes to an end, I wanted to find a way to show my Nam Jai.

After my trip to Bangkok, where I ate as much delicious food as possible, I showed Check all the pictures (See the pictures here!). He was very interested in the Taco I ate at the Veganerie. That's when I figured out how to express my Nam Jai. I will make Check a Taco. After he has taught me to cook in a Thai kitchen and cook a variety of Thai dishes, it makes sense that I should teach him to make a North American dish.

Taco I ate on my trip to Bangkok at the Veganerie.
Check out my review of the Veganerie here.

Planning

Although Thailand and Mexico are at similar latitudes, finding the ingredients required for a taco in Thailand are challenging. For example, the only cheese I've found in my community are those processed Kraft Singles type. I'm a Wisconsinite. Not going to pretend that's real cheese. While there are peppers everywhere, the blend of spices for taco seasoning are not readily available. So, I decided to make Baja Style Fish Tacos following this recipe. Buying tortillas and salsa in Thailand is not as convenient as a run to Kwik Trip (the superior gas station, whose headquarters is in La Crosse, Wi. We can talk about my love for Kwik Trip later...). I would also be making my tortillas and salsa from scratch. 

Salsa

Following this recipe, I set out for the market to purchase veggies for the first time. I was so proud of myself for learning the names of the veggies in Thai and making small talk with the vendors. None of them had ever heard of salsa, so I told them I was making Nam Prick (a spicy Thai style dipping sauce) and they recommended the best peppers. My market bag filled up with brightly colored peppers, onions, cilantro, garlic, and beautiful red tomatoes.

I return home excited, to show off the colorful veggies and teach Check how to make one of my favorite snacks. All the veggies are washed and placed on the cutting board, and I call Check into the kitchen. He looks at the veggies. He looks up at me. "Mai chop gin ma-coi-tet." Check doesn't like tomatoes. And later I find out, neither does his mother. Welp. Tomatoes are only half of the dish. We carried on anyway. Because I miss salsa.

Our beautiful bowl of fresh salsa.

Tortilla

Check and I made homemade flour tortillias using this recipe, and he had a ton of fun making them - even though I was stressed and he called me out on it. There were several things I was stressing about;

1. The tortillas need to be good, because they already dislike the salsa.
2. Check's ma is planning on coming home on her lunch break to eat our tacos and we are running low on time.
3. We are sitting on the floor. How can I make this as sanitary as possible?
4. This will probably be one of the few times I get to make and eat tacos, and I want to enjoy as many tortillas as possible. Each tortilla to turn out perfectly. No burnt tortillas. No floor tortillas.

Check livestreamed us sitting on the floor of the kitchen, rolling out the tortillas on serving trays with pestles (as in mortar and pestle). Watching the playback, for the first time in my life I noticed how blinded I am by my stressors. The video allowed me to see all the things I had missed the first time. I saw one of the coolest kids in the world, excited about cooking, excited about cooking with me, laughing, dancing, singing, and enjoying himself. And I saw me, doing and being none of those things. I saw me wasting precious moments for memory making over the fate of a few tortillas. I also inadvertently taught him to stop trying after you fail. Thank goodness he didn't talk that to heart.

Before the video started we lost one tortilla ball when I saw Check rolling it on his leg. I told him it wasn't sanitary. We lost a second tortilla ball when Check dropped one on the ground. We lost a third one when Check rolled a tortilla ball on his leg. This is not a typo. He forgot not to use his legs as a countertop and did it again.

Then the video started rolling. It's a long one, and it's not a very flattering image of me, appearance or personality, but it shows this kid's resilience and amazing attitude. Also Check wants to be a YouTube personality, so please watch, like and subscribe!! It's mostly in Thai but I am working with Check to write english closed captions so ya'all can understand.

The best part is from 22 minutes on to the end. If you only watch some of it watch this part!

22 - Check shows off his flipping abilities, and tells you to watch him.

23 - I hand Check another tortilla fry. He tells you to watch him again, but this time he's not so successful. I call "why Check, why! This is the fourth tortilla we have to throw away!" I tell the camera that he is not good at flipping tortillas. He apologies, and is ready to do it again, insisting that he is a good flipper. We argue about his flipping abilities for a while.

24 - We argue some more, and Check successfully flips more tortillas. Check drops one of his chopsticks on the ground. I tell him, "you drop everything."

25 - When I add a tortilla to the pan, some oil jumps up and bites Check. He plays a tough guy and says he's fine. He continues to successfully flip tortillas.

26 - Check shows off a "trumpet (trombone)" dance move. Another tortilla is ready to be flipped. He does it the "safe" way and uses a spatula. I didn't see it, but it doesn't go well. We have lost a 5th tortilla. "Again? Check! Don't flip anymore!" I say. I responds, " I didn't flip, I used the spatula! Watch the video, you'll see!" I say, "I don't think Check wants to eat tacos because he throws everything on the ground."

The video ends so I can watch the instant replay.

Lessons Learned

I allow my stress factors to blind me and keep me from living in the moment. When I should have been teaching Check that it's okay to make mistakes and even people at the top of their fields make mistakes, I modeled that perfection is the only acceptable outcome and if you can't achieve it don't even try. I've struggled with this mindset for most of my life, and once again it has stolen what could have been a precious memory. 

And so, I would like to issue an apology. To Check. And to all the other people whose potential moments of joy I have stolen by my stress blindness. I need to find ways to manage that stress better. I am sorry for the hurtful words and actions I allow myself to express during these times. Please forgive me. 

And a special thank you. To Check. And to my Mom. And Vang Pao. Thank you for loving me. 

The Final Product

Check's ma, returned as I was chopping the cabbage and Check fried the shrimp. I served her up two beautiful, colorful, Baja-Thai Tacos.

Our Baja-Thai Taco

I thought they were delicious. Despite my stress, the tortillas were perfect, and the Thai peppers worked well with all the other flavors. Check smothered his taco in mayonnaise. Check and his ma ate enough to be polite, and said that they were "full." Two hours later Check ate two plates of noodles at the restaurant down the street.

I'm not sure if any of this counted as repaying Nam Jai. None of it seemed to go very well. But hopeful, as in the American Midwest, it's the thought that counts. Either way, long after I've moved out, I'll still be trying to send Nam Jai their way.